Emulating Al

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Since the sincerest form of flattery is imitation, I present for your amusement my own set of Yankovisms. Is there no band who will record these parodies? If Weird Al himself would do it, I might even negotiate part of my royalties (ha!) for the honor of being credited on his album.

From the work of Jimi Hendrix:
- Gloss-Tone Graphics (to the tune of Crosstown Traffic):
  
  You log onto my system when you-
  Wanna share the time.
  But 90 bytes a second girl is the-
  Process time.
  
  You tell me it's alright,
  You've got a subroutine,
  You say you just want me to-
  Hook up your disk drive.
  
  You've got your-
  Gloss-tone Graphics
  (So hard to get you to run)
  Gloss-tone Graphics
  (You'd even crash a SUN)
  Gloss-tone Graphics
  All you do is slow me down
  And I coulda had that MAC from 'cross town.
  
  I'm not the only geek who's
  Bought software by the ton.
  But your cursor tracks right off my screen,
  and deletes my files; that's no fun.
  But darlin', can't your operating system
  Change from Windows to DOS?
  I see you'll be obsolete next month,
  And I'll eat a 5 grand loss!
  
  You've got your-
  Gloss-tone Graphics
  (So hard to focus in)
  Gloss-tone Graphics
  (How do I stop the loop I'm in?)
  Gloss-tone Graphics
  All you do is slow me down
  But I've got a data base on the other side of town.
  (Guitar)
  
  Ya Ya - Gloss tone Graphics
  Gloss tone Graphics
  Look out baby - I'm logging on...
  (repeat & fade)
  (1984 - David Vella)
  
  Fiscal Haze: (To the tune of Purple Haze):
  
  Fiscal Haze - It's June again
  Lately stocks don't seem to gain.
  Assets falling and I know my boss
  Won't 'scuse me if I risk a loss.
  
  Fiscal Haze - behind my back
  Don't know if I'm in the red or black.
  Doesn't matter if it's interest-free,
  Whatever it's for, they'll put a tax on me.
  
  Help me...
  Help me...
  Oh no no (guitar)
  
  Ya, Fiscal Haze is in the way
  Doubt this deal sees the light of day
  You got me showin', showin' a debit
  Is it due tomorrow, or can you extend my credit?
  
  Help me
  Fiscal Haze
  Oh no no
  Help me
  Fiscal Haze.. (Fade out)
  (1984 - David Vella)
  
  Are You Experienced?: (To the tune of Are You Experienced?)
  
  If you can just
  Get your act together
  You'll like where the salary starts.
  We'll pool resources and
  Watch the stocks rise
  From the bottom of the charts.
  
  But first,
  Are you experienced?
  Have you ever been to business school?
  Well, I have.
  
  I know, I know
  You'll probably scream & cry
  That a little company won't let you grow.
  But there's less competition in a measly little firm
  If you're trying to prove that
  You've made all the gold
  From what you sold.
  
  So, Are you experienced?
  Have you ever met the stockholders?
  Well, I have.
  Ah, let me spell it out for you...
  (Guitar)
  
  Profits and dividends
  I can see them in the distance.
  Here's where you sign your name.
  Maybe now you can't share them,
  but you will (Ha!) if you just
  Take part in the game.
  
  Oh but Are you experienced?
  Have you ever been a manager?
  Well, I have.
  Not necessarily executive, but a beaurocrat...
  (1984 - David Vella)
I Want a New Rug (To the tune of I Want a New Drug, by Huey Lewis & the News)

I want a new rug.
One that won't make me slip.
One that goes from wall to wall.
One that feels three feet thick.

I want a new rug.
One for the foot of my bed.
Hand woven from fine fabric,
with strands of blue and red.

(Refrain:)
One that gives me shivers
When I take off my shoes.
One that makes me feel like rolling around nude
When I'm alone or with you.

I want a new rug.
One that won't show spills.
One that won't cost too much
delivered from the mill.

I want a new rug.
With colors that won't fade.
One that won't take all day to clean.
The best one ever made.
[Refrain][Solo]

I want a new rug.
One that does what it should.
One that lies there hiding the tiles,
One that covers the wood.

I want a new rug.
Like the one on display.
One that won't hurt so much
When I fall on my face.
(1984 - David Vella & Russ Miller)

For More Than It's Worth (To the tune of For What It's Worth by the Buffalo Springfield)

There's something big on sale here.
It's price ain't exactly clear.
There's a man in a suit over there
Telling me what I ought to wear.
It's time to shop, children, how's that sound?
Everybody look for bargains now.

There's raffle tickets being drawn.
Nobody's uptight and everyone's having fun.
Young people selling their wares,
Giving so much assistance to customers.
It's time to shop, children, right downtown
Everybody's checkbook's going down.

What a fine day at the store.
There's a thousand people, maybe more.
Swinging bags, and bargaining hard.
Mostly saying Hooray for Mastercard.
It's time to shop, children, what's that you found?
Everybody buy what's not nailed down.

Bargainmania strikes deep.
Into your life it will creep.
It starts when you're always afraid
of deals you missed, if at home you stayed.
You better shop, fast, what's that sound?
Everybody looks when the price goes down.
(1984 - David Vella)

Mr. Tall Marine Man (To the tune of Mr. Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan.)

Hey Mr. tall Marine man
Get a gun for me.
I'm not working and
there ain't no place I'm going to.

Hey Mr. tall Marine man
Get a gun for me.
Through the jungle in the morning
I'll come following you.

Take me for a trip
Upon your fastest fighting ship.
When the coastlands have been stripped
of communisms grip,
and those who don't submit
wait only in the foothills to be ambushed.

I'm ready to go anywhere
I'm ready to obey.
When's the first parade?
Cast your marching spell my way,
I'm ready to go under it.

Hey Mr. tall Marine man
Get a gun for me,
I've a good aim and
there ain't no-one I'm scared of.

Hey Mr. tall Marine man
Where's the infantry?
Through the jungle in the morning
I'll come following you.
(1984 - David Vella)

Born To Be Wired. (To the tune of Born to be Wild by Steppenwolf.)

Get your water running,
Heat it on the gas stove.
Get the biggest mug down,
and fill it with Espresso.

Oh yeah, gonna get a refill, you can
Taste the world in a coffee cup.
Grind all of your beans at once and
Brew a pot and drink it up.

I like Cappucino,
and smooth Hawaiin Kona.
and just a touch of cinnamon
in my Swiss vanilla almond.

Oh Yeah, gonna get a refill, you can
Taste the world in a coffee cup.
Grind all of your beans at once and
Brew a pot and drink it up.

Like a true caffeine freak,
I'm shakin' like a leaf,
I'm never gonna sleep.
Born to be wired,
Born to be wired,
Born to be wired (repeat & fade).
(1992 - David Vella)

Do You Believe in Logic? (To the tune of Do You Believe in Magic? by The Lovin' Spoonful.)

Do You Believe in logic?
In a young girl's brain.
How you can solve every problem
Without even a strain.

And it's logic,
If the premise is your start,
And makes you feel clever
Like your old friend Descartes.

I'd tell you 'bout the logic
So you'll get the gist,
But it's like tryin' to tell
A punk about Bartok or Liszt.

If you believe in logic,
But don't bother to choose,
Your axioms to start with,
then you're bound to lose.

Just go and listen.
It'll start with a given,
That wont disappear
No matter what syllogism.

If your teeth start grinding
And you can't seem to find
How you got there, then
Just open your mind.

If you believe in logic
Quantify with me.
We'll think until morning
and we're contradiction-free.

And Maybe
If the reasoning is sound,
I'll meet you tomorrow
When your conclusions are found.

And we'll ask DeMorgan
And then you'll see
How the logic's in the
Monadic modality.
Yeah.
Do you believe in logic?
Yeah.

Believe in the logic
Of a young girl's mind.

Believe in the systems
of a formal kind.

Believe in the logic
that will SET you free....

Talkin' 'bout

Do you believe
Like I believe?
(repeat; excuse me, I mean "iterate")
(2008 - David Vella)

Chunky Man (To the tune of Lucky Man by Emerson, Lake & Palmer.)

He had white chocolates
And doughnuts by the score.
He's all dressed for dinner,
with waiters by the door.

Ooooh, what a chunky man he was
Ooooh, what a chunky man he was

Crab-cake and fritters,
They served up his bed
Of ranch-coated lettuce
On which lamb chops were laid.

Ooooh, what a chunky man he was
Ooooh, what a chunky man he was

He went to pubs first,
In the country to drink.
Of his hunger and his thirst,
The people would sing

Ooooh, what a chunky man he was
Ooooh, what a chunky man he was

A buffet had found him,
His sweat ran as he gorged,
No cuisine left untasted,
Then he laid down and he snored.

Ooooh, what a chunky man he was
Ooooh, what a chunky man he was
(2008 - David Vella)

Scarborough Flu (To the tune of Scarborough Fair by Simon & Garfunkel.)

Are you gettin the Scarborough flu?
Fever, shakes, headache and pain
Remember how you puked your guts out,
into a bowl from the bed where you lay

Tell her to get clean sheets and a shirt,
Fever, shakes, headache and pain
But please, no doctors nor needles that hurt,
then she'll be a true nurse again

Tell her to cover me with a warm coat,
Fever, shakes, headache and pain
Bring me salt water to gargle my throat,
then she'll be a true nurse again

Tell her to bring me an aspirin or two,
Fever, shakes, headache and pain
Bring the Pepto Bismol too,
Then she'll be a true nurse again

Are you gettin the Scarborough flu?
Fever, shakes, headache and pain
Not wanting to live anymore,
spinning room in bed as you lay
(2009 - David Vella)

Indian Korma (To the tune of Instant Karma by John Lennon.)

Chicken Korma's gonna get you.
Knock your tongue right out 'yer head.
Better get some appetizers.
Pretty soon you're gonna be fed.
Was it curry you're thinking of?
Or stuffing your face with dahl?
How spicy you like your samosas?
It's up to you, yeah you!

Chicken Korma's gonna get you.
Gonna make you red in the face.
Better get the yogurt raita darlin',
Recover your sense of taste.
How in the world you gonna eat?
When the chef turns up the heat?
What in the hell you gonna chew?
Lamb vindaloo?
Well pass it, too!

Well we all put the sauce on.
On the rice, and the chutney on the naan.
well we all put the sauce on.
Everyone pour it on.

Chicken Korma's gonna get you.
Gonna knock you off your feet.
Better marinade your veggies,
tenderize your meat.
Where in the world do we stand?
Surely not to eat stuff that's bland.
Where on Earth is the saag paneer?
Well it's everywhere,
Come and get your share!

Well we all put the sauce on.
On the rice, and the chutney on the naan.
well we all put the sauce on.
Everyone pour it on.

Well we all put the sauce on.
On the rice, and the chutney on the naan.
well we all put the sauce on.
On and on and on and on and on....
(2009 - David Vella)

My Generator (To the tune of My Generation by The Who.)

Temperature is going d-down (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
Plain too cold to get around (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
Sit in one spot feeling awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
I hope I thaw before I get old (Talkin' 'bout my generator)

This is my generator
This is my generator, baby

I think my ears gonna f-freeze today (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
I can't even hear what your tryin' to s-s-say (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
My fingers have lost all their s-s-sensation (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
I'm just tryin' to start my g-g-g-generator (Talkin' 'bout my generator)

This is my generator
This is my generator, baby

My breath is a solid block of ice t-today (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
Power's been off for a week and a d-d-day (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
My fingers have lost all their s-s-sensation (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
I'm just tryin' to start my g-g-g-generator (Talkin' 'bout my generator)

This is my generator
This is my generator, baby

Temperature is going d-down (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
Plain too cold to get around (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
Sit in one spot feeling awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generator)
I hope I thaw before I get old (Talkin' 'bout my generator)

This is my generator
This is my generator, baby
(David Vella - 2010)

Strawberry Fields Ain't Forever (To the tune of Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles - inspired by an article about replacing the gates to the original Strawberry Fields with replicas)

Let them take it down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
The gates are not real but it's nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields ain't forever.

Living isn't easy with gates closed, Salvation Army's all concerned.
They're getting rusty but someone will work it out, it doesn't matter much, it's free.
Let them take it down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
The gates are not real but it's nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields ain't forever.

No one I think will object, I mean it must be wrought iron now,
Bennett says you can't know, but it's all right, that is I think his fakes are not too bad.
Let them take it down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
The gates are not real but it's nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields ain't forever.

Three metres high by two meters wide, but you know it's just an entrance to a dream.
I think I'd rather keep the old gates, Yes it's all wrong, that is I think I disagree.
Let them take it down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
The gates are not real but it's nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields ain't forever.
Strawberry Fields ain't forever.
(David Vella - 2011)

Change My Tire (To the tune of Light My Fire by The Doors.)

You know a flat would kill my lead
You know that it would be disaster
If I didn't have a crack pit team
Girl, we couldn't go much faster

Come on baby, change my tire
Come on baby, change my tire
Try to set the road on fire

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
The race now we will only lose
Or this car become a funeral pyre

Come on baby, change my tire
Come on baby, change my tire
Try to set the road on fire, yeah

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
The race now we will only lose
Or this car become a funeral pyre

Come on baby, change my tire
Come on baby, change my tire
Try to set the road on fire, yeah

You know a flat would kill my lead
You know that it would be disaster
If I didn't have a crack pit team
Girl, we couldn't go much faster

Come on baby, change my tire
Come on baby, change my tire
Try to set the road on fire
Try to set the road on fire
Try to set the road on fire
Try to set the road on fire
(David Vella - 2011)

A Hard Drive's a Gonna Crash (To the tune of A Hard Rain's a Gonna Fall by Bob Dylan.)

Oh, where is my data, my blue-screened PC?
Oh, where has it gone, my darling new Dell?
I've fumbled with the keys of twelve sticky keyboards,
I've waited and crawled through six useless reboots,
It stopped in the middle of my seven'th disk backup,
It died in front of a dozen dead torrents,
with ten thousand megabytes in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, and it's a hard and it's a hard
And it's a hard drive's a gonna crash.

Oh, what did you download, my blue-screened PC?
Oh, what did you in, my darling new Dell?
I saw a new motherboard with wild wolves all around it,
My information highway's got nobody on it,
I saw a black wire with sparks that kept flashin',
I saw a room full of hackers with their networks a bleedin',
I saw a white floppy disk all covered with water,
I saw ten thousand techies whose tongues were all broken,
I saw the new version of Doom in the hands of young children,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard and it's a hard
And it's a hard drive's a gonna crash.

What did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder as my speakers were fryin',
Heard the roar of a .wav file that could drown the whole web,
Saw one hundred monitors whose screens were a blazin',
Heard ten thousand whisperin' cooling fans die,
Saw Windows lock up, I heard many people laughin',
Heard the sound of the server as it died in the gutter,
Heard the sound of the clown who sold me my PC
And it's a hard, and it's a hard and it's a hard
And it's a hard drive's a gonna crash.

Oh, who did you chat with, my blue-eyed son?
Who did you call, my darling young one?
I met a young child who worked at the helpdesk,
I met a white man who sold a black box,
I met a young man whose job had been outsourced,
I met a young girl, she gave me a virus,
I met one man who was worked only with Linux,
I met another man who worked only with Macs,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard and it's a hard
And it's a hard drive's a gonna crash.

Oh, what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, what'll you do now, my darling young one?
I'm a goin' to unplug 'fore the power starts surging,
I'll search the depths of the deepest dark website,
Where the folders are many but their files are all empty,
Where the pellets of spyware are flooding the chatrooms,
Where the home page editor meets an untimely demise,
Where the executable interface is always well-hidden,
Where the sourcecode is ugly and the password's forgotten,
Where black is the color, where none is the number.
And I'll tell it and post it and email it and upload it,
And reflect it on the mirror site so all peers can see it,
Then I'll click on the mousepad until I get carpal tunnel,
But I'll know my code well before I debug it,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard and it's a hard
And it's a hard drive's a gonna crash.
(David Vella - 2012)

Peelin' Up the Yams (To the tune of Reelin' in the Years by Steely Dan.)

Your everlasting dinner
You can smell it cooling off.
So you grab a piece of chicken
and a ladle full of broth.
You wouldn't know an almond
If you held it in your hand.
The things you think nutritious
I can't understand.

Are you peelin' up the yams?
Slicin' away the lime?
Are you steamin' up the clams?
Have you added sage and thyme?

You been tellin' me you're a gourmet
Since you were twenty one.
In all the time I've known you
You still don't use saffron.
That weekend with the gas grill
Didn't turn out like you planned.
How you burned the salmon dill
I can't understand.

Are you peelin' up the yams?
Slicin' away the lime?
Are you steamin' up the clams?
Have you added sage and thyme?

I spent a lot of money
And I bought a lot of pork.
The stripsteak smoked with Mesquite wood
Is perched upon my fork.
After all the things we marinate
You serve the stir-fry bland.
The things that make you salivate
I can't understand.

Are you peelin' up the yams?
Slicin' away the lime?
Are you steamin' up the clams?
Have you added sage and thyme?
(David Vella - 2013)

Wish You Could Hear (To the tune of Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd.)

So, so you think you can tell
whisper from yell, music from noise
Can you tell a symphony from an off-key rap,
bass drum from a hand-clap
Do you think you can tell?

Did you opt to trade
your voice lessons for auto-tune?
empty pap for your lyric sheet?
Hot air for cool ideas?
Repetition for range?
Did you exchange an effort at art
for a lead role on the pop stage?

How I Wish, How I wish you could hear
You just lost your soul singing the same old lines,
song after song
Running over the same melody,
croaking too loud,
and it's still off-key
Wish you could hear.
(David Vella - 2016)

Eighty-One (To the tune of Eighteen by Alice Cooper.)

Deep lines on my face and hands
Hair sprouts from my nose and my ears
Survived my mid-life, without any scars
I'm a little slow, but I'm still a man

I'm eighty-one
And I know what I want
Eighty-one
Just don't recall what it was
Eighty-one
I gotta get away
I gotta get out of this chair,
I want to go walkin' but I don't know where
Oh yeah

I got a
weary brain and severe heartburn
Took eighty-one years to live and learn
Can't remember what I was talkin' about
And it looks like I'm livin' with a bad case of gout
'Cause I'm

Eighty-one
I get confused every day
Eighty-one
Forgot who I was today
Eighty-one
I gotta get away

Deep lines on my face and my hands
I've got hip-joint pains and cataracts
I'm in the middle
the middle of my nap
I'm asleep and I'm awake
I'm eighty-one and I like it
Yes I like it
Oh I like it
Love it
Like it
Love it
Eighty-one!
Eighty-one!
Eighty-one!
Eighty-one and I like it
(David Vella - 2017)

Dr. Barrett's Faithful Giant Band Club (To the tune of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles.)

It was twenty years ago in time
Dr. Barrett brought the band on line
They were a legend when prog was hot
And they're guaranteed to play some Knots
So may I introduce to you
The Troubadours who reached great height
Dr. Barrett's Gentle Giant Website

We're Dr. Barrett's faithful Giant Band Club
Set the stage and here's Another Show
We're Dr. Barrett's faithful Giant Band Club
Give it Back and let the Plain Truth grow
Dr. Barrett's faithful, Dr. Barrett's faithful
Dr. Barrett's homage to the Boys in the Band
All my funny friends in here
With so much Time to Kill
We're such a lovely audience
You'd like to take us home with you
You'd love to come to GORGG!

I don't really want to Work all Day
Find our road, the same as if today
Three Friends are going to play a song
And they want you all to play along
So let me introduce to you
The On Reflection email list and
Dr. Barrett's Sincere Giant Band Club

Hail!
(David Vella, 2017)

I Started to Choke (To the tune of I Started a Joke by The Bee Gees.)

I started to choke which started the whole room spinning
And I didn't see what was choking me oh no
I started to gag when they started the Heimlich maneuver
Oh If I'd only seen what was choking me

I looked straight up in the air, clutching my hands to my throat
And I fell out of my chair, hurting my head from the food that I ate
'Till I finally died which started an investigation
Oh if I only knew what was choking me

I looked straight up with surprise, tears steamed from my eyes
And I fell flat on my back, hurting my head as I hacked
'Till I finally died of startled asphyxiation.
Oh if I only knew what was choking me
Oh, what they found in the autopsy
(David Vella, 2018)

White Pizza (To the tune of White Wedding by Billy Idol.)

Hey little sister, is the dough done?
Hey little sister, did you make only one?
Hey little sister, who's your deliveryman?
Hey little sister, what's the sauce you want?
Hey little sister, brick oven

It's a nice day to bake again
It's a nice day for a white pizza
It's a nice day to bake again

Hey little sister, who ordered ranch dressing?
Hey little sister, what's their topping list?
Hey little sister, chicken, oh yeah!
Hey little sister, who's your deliveryman?
Hey little sister, calzones!

It's a nice day to bake again
It's a nice day for a white pizza
It's a nice day to bake again

[Bridge]
Pick it up
Take it back home, to go!

Hey little sister, is the dough done?
Hey little sister, did you make only one?
I've been away for so long
Deliveries take so long
I let you go for so long

[Chorus]
It's a nice day to bake again
It's a nice day for a white pizza
It's a nice day to bake again

[Bridge]
There is nothin' better in this world, girl
Than an 10-inch chicken ranch pie
And there's nothin' purer in this world
Than the fresh garlic and basil inside,
There'll be nothing left of this one, girl,
Start again!

[Chorus]
It's a nice day to bake again
It's a nice day for a white pizza
It's a nice day to bake again
(David Vella, 2018)

By the way, my favorite Weird Al songs are: I Lost on Jeapordy, Yoda, I Love Rocky Road, and Buy me a Condo.

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